


generic shrek is love parody - FFVI edition

by hatehatehate



Category: Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy VI, Shrek (2001), Shrek Series
Genre: Anal Sex, Blasphemy, Christianity, Crack, Dank Memes, M/M, Mild Gore, Non-Graphic Violence, Post-Canon, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-16
Updated: 2015-08-16
Packaged: 2018-04-14 23:11:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4583754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hatehatehate/pseuds/hatehatehate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack!Fic. After the events of FFVI, the party becomes devoted Christians until one day Sabin discovers Shrek.</p>
            </blockquote>





	generic shrek is love parody - FFVI edition

It was a lovely Sunday morning and Terra, Locke, Celes, Setzer, Edgar and Sabin were all sitting at the front pew at church. It had been a year since they had cleansed the devastated world of evil pagan magic and a certain false idol, and shortly afterwards they discovered Jesus and became His most devoted followers. Terra had her 3175 children baptised, Sabin was no longer a monk of his own blasphemous religion, instead training to become a priest, Setzer had given up his sinful habit of gambling and Celes had become the lead singer in the church choir. Nothing brought more joy to them than going to church together, having Bible study sessions, and getting drunk on communion wine.

Well on this particular fine Sunday it was beginning to get quite hot inside the church, especially for Sabin, who was not used to wearing the many layers of clothing (read: one) that were required by decent Christian modesty. Though it pained him immensely to miss even a few seconds of the Gospel reading, he desperately needed some fresh air, and so he prayed for God's forgiveness as he quietly left the room.

Sabin sighed in relief and gratitude as the cool breeze touched his skin. Now he could think clearly about his love of God. He decided to wander away from the church for a few minutes, in awe of all the beautiful creations around him - the sky, the sea, the land, the...Onion Knight in the distance?

Sabin blinked in surprise. It had been a long time since demons had freely roamed the world, before humankind turned to God and the evil was obliterated. Sabin spared no time to wonder what had caused this seemingly random encounter. He sprinted towards the Onion Knight, and though his fighting days were still behind him in favour of turning the other cheek and loving his neighbour (in a wholesome, Christian way), his immense, God-given strength was as great as ever. He shouted "In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit, AMEN!!!" and punched the Onion Knight in the face with his cross-shaped knuckles. It instantly slumped over and lay motionless. Sabin cheered, fistpumped and began humming a victory fanfare before remembering that this was a sinful, non-Christian tune, and so he knelt down in front of the fallen Onion Knight to pray for forgiveness. It was then that he heard the voice, the deep voice with an accent that could be called Scottish if a country called Scotland existed in this universe.

"It's not ogre yet"

Sabin's head swung up to stare at the Onion Knight's body in fear and confusion. It definitely wasn't the one who spoke...although to think of it, he had never actually heard an Onion Knight speak before...his initial thought was soon confirmed however, as the voice spoke again, and the Onion Knight's lips definitely weren't moving.

"This is my swamp."

"Who are you - where are you? How are you doing that? In the name of the Lord, I command you to show yourself!" said Sabin, and within seconds he saw a strange slit forming on the Onion Knight's forehead.

"Didn't anyone tell you, boy? Onions have layers." And with that, two giant green hands reached out of the slit to peel apart the layers of skin and sinew on the Onion Knight's forehead, and proceeded to pull these layers apart all down the length of its body, and a giant green ogre stepped out. Sabin gasped in shock. He was certain, almost instantly, that it was the creature he had only heard about in forbidden legends. Some said he was the most powerful Esper of them all. Some said he was a dangerous beast created by the Empire. Others said he was a lustful demon of seduction. All they knew was, he was called Shrek.

"Sabin!! It is now time to complete your training." he said in a booming voice, before grabbing Sabin with his powerful ogre hands and putting him on his hands and knees. Something about this felt strangely familiar. "I call this the "Bum Rush"!!" And before even thinking of the depravity of what he was doing, Sabin instinctively spread his ass cheeks for Shrek. As Shrek penetrated his butthole, Sabin felt a sharp pain and his eyes started to water, but some immoral, sinful part of him desperately wanted to please Shrek. He pushed against Shrek's force until he came in a mighty roar and filled Sabin's butt with his love. Sabin was overcome with emotion at this intensely spiritual experience, and found himself panting, "Shrek is love, Shrek is life." He was no longer a man of God.

Shrek looked Sabin in the eye. "It's all ogre now," he said, and then vanished in a flash of green light. Sabin stared at the spot where Shrek had stood, in awe of what he had just seen and done. It was clear what Master Shrek wanted him to do next. And so Sabin headed back towards the church, where he could just see his friends leaving Mass, ready to enlighten them to the holiness of Shrek so that they too could be initiated into Shrekism and saved from their sins.


End file.
